Work Related Stress
My thoughts: We all go through it. I know it’s frustrating going into a place every single day where you don’t feel valued or appreciated. Trust me, I’ve worked in just about every industry that I could work without having a degree. I’ve been insulted by employers and my time has been abused. I’ve sometimes wanted to quit, but I just try to remind myself that it’s temporary. I went into work everyday singing that “Spaceship” song by Kanye West. It really helped me through my long days. I’m sure that it would help you. It’s great to be able to relate to something as well as laugh about it.
My management steps:
1. Never lose focus of your goals.
If anything, try not to forget everything that you have set for yourself. It’s easy to get complacent in your job description and forget about what you want to accomplish. Don’t let that become you. I hate hearing about my coworkers working at this same dead end job for the past 10 years of their lives. It’s like “What happened to your ambition?” I had a woman who had my same job title, but had been at this grocery store for twenty years. Yea, she may have made a dollar or so more than me, but is that where you want to spend your life?
2. Relax as much as you can when you come home.
Stress is real and it has some very ill affects on your health. I think it’s best that when you’re feeling overwhelmed to come home and just relax. Let me cook dinner and run your bath water. What’s wrong with being pampered? Home is your sanctuary. I’m willing to help you with whatever you need. Don’t let your boss bring you down, love. Come home and get lost in being comfortable. Don’t answer any phone calls that relate to work and try to avoid television programs that remind you of your job, unless they give you something to laugh about!
3. Leave your job in your office, break room, etc.
Try not to bring that stuff home with you. It’ll mess up a relationship as well as mess up your comfortableness at home. If you’re coming home and you’re constantly being reminded of work, then you’ll begin to dislike being home. It’s happened to me before. I started bringing proposals and floor plan ideas home with me and it just began to bother me while I was at home, so I searched for peace outside. Going to clubs and things of that nature. Nothing is really more relaxing than being home. Talk to me about it. I’ll ease your mind and help you forget about your job for the time being.
Feeling Beautiful
My thoughts: Love, you’re beautiful. I want you to know this and I’ll remind you as many times as my heart will allow it. Even when my tongue get’s tired of speaking, I’ll tell you again. I think you’re an amazing person, inside and out. I love to get lost in you. You have the most beautiful pair of eyes that I’ve looked into. This sounds really corny, I know, but it’s the deepest of truths. I know how beautiful you can be inside and out and so does the world. If they don’t know, then they’re not looking. Their loss, right? Who cares about the world as long as I’m here. I can be your world and I’ll love you more than the rest of the seven billion people that occupy our planet. I know you’re beautiful. If you need to be reminded, just look at me and I’ll let you know.
My management steps:
1. Talk to me.
Let me build your confidence. It’s as simple as that. As your boyfriend, I’m here to make you feel better than you already do; even if you feel like a million bucks already. I’m here to uplift you and remind you of your inner and outer beauty. Use my smile as a mirror; meaning, know that when I’m softly smiling at you for no reason I’m admiring your beauty. Every time you see me smile, let it be a symbol of how I think about you.
2. Wear the things that I like to see you in.
I know, that’s just a management step for myself. What a cheap way to get you into the sexy little ensembles that turn me on? You know what, though? You’ll feel beautiful to see how aroused I am by you. You’ll begin to see the power you have in your appearance. It’ll make you feel great. After all, who doesn’t want to know that their boyfriend thinks they’re the most attractive woman in the world. I seriously think that, by the way. I even start comparing celebrities to you. Honestly, they don’t hold up well. They spend millions of dollars to look the way they do. You look like a billion, though.
3. Accept the things that aren’t going to change.
You are born the way you are. God took his hands and molded you into the perfection that I see you as. Don’t worry about what you think are your flaws, because I can tell you that I don’t see them. Your dimples outshine a blemish that you believe you may have on your face. Your lips take away a temporary pimple you may have. And your eyes get rid of anything else you feel is wrong. I don’t see them. Look at yourself through my eyes, baby.
*This is solely based off of things with my girlfriend.
Your Boyfriend
My thoughts: I’m the best thing ever, enough said. Lol, no, I’m kidding… Kinda. Seriously, I know I can be a handful and too much. I want you to know that I’m working on being the best I can be for you. I see the best life for the both of us. I have this love for you that I words can’t limit. It’s something that you just have to feel me give to you. I know you can feel it all the way from Michigan, but it’ll be fifteen times better when we’re together. I’m not perfect and I love that you accept that and know that I’m striving to be perfect. I do a lot of dumb things that always come to me after the fact. I mess up a lot, but I’m getting the hang of it. It’s taken me longer than it should have, but I’m coming around. I’m glad you’ve taken notice.
My management steps:
1. Allow the means of communication to stay open.
It’s easy to leave and let go of the situation, but that’s not always what’s best. We have a strange way of communicating and we’re slowly getting the hang of it. As long as we continue to talk about what’s going on and fully understand each other, then we’ll be fine. We have to work harder than any other couple because of our distance. We have to remember that the tones of our voices can give off something that we didn’t intend for it to give off. Let’s just talk it out. We’re always good afterwards.
2. Take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see what they really meant.
I know that it’s easier for me to understand you once I take a moment to think about your personality and what you really meant, in my terms. I have to stop, think, and say to myself “she said that she won’t talk over the noise, but how would I say that and what would I mean by it.” Then it comes to me that you’re just being considerate. I found that to be most effective a few weeks ago. Now I do it all the time. It’s also helped me learn your humor. I can tell when you’re joking more than I did before. It makes me happy to know the difference and then I’m able to keep the joke going instead of getting upset about something that you meant in a whole different way.
3. Love harder than you’ve ever loved before.
God, it’s so beautiful to love someone more than you’ve ever loved anything. Once you get that feeling, then nothing else matters. The things that seemed impossible become easier. Once you let love control an argument instead of anger and frustration, then it’s so much easier to heal. I’ve learned to let myself love you before I get frustrated with you. It’s like once I feel myself getting annoyed or something that’s going to cause trouble, I think about how much I love you and how great you are. Then whatever you’ve just did becomes so small. It also helps me see when you’re just frustrated yourself. I’m able to take myself out of the situation and look at it from your eyes. Then I realize how I could have started the argument.
*This is solely based off of things with my girlfriend.
You say she stupid. She be like: “So, I love my no good boyfriend. I’ll never let him go.”
My thoughts: I know how annoying it is to have a person you care about being wrapped up on a no good significant other. They’ll listen to your advice sometimes, but then other times it’s like they’ve thrown everything you’ve said to them out of the window. Then you’re stuck sitting there upset because you’ve wasted hours upon hours trying to coach them back into good spirits just for them to put themselves back in a situation. It’s especially frustrating if they don’t even have to be in that situation! Love is crazy, man. That’s all I can chalk it up to. The slightest “I love you” can heal a whole world of heartache. I think we just have to be there as much as we possibly can be for that person.
My management steps:
1. Remind the person that you love them.
In between all of the healing and boyfriend bashing, remind her that you love her. Let her know that you’re there for her and you will support her decisions in whatever; even if you may not agree with it at the time. I think it’s important that we let the people that are important to us know that we love them through it all. Right now, she may be down and upset, but love her the best way you know how. It’s frustrating, I know. She’ll come around eventually.
2. Repeat yourself if you have to.
I know you start feeling like a broken record after a while, but that’s needed sometimes. Keep telling her what you’ve already told her. It’ll begin to set in after a while. She’ll finally start to see where you’re coming from if she’s meant to understand it. Don’t hesitate to offer your best advice because you’ve said it a dozen times and she just won’t listen. It’s hard to listen what you need to hear when you’re so caught up on love. Love is blind. That’s so cliche, but true. When it comes to the person you love, they can do no wrong. It just may take you repeating it over and over to beat it into her head.
3. Build her confidence.
Continue to let her know how great she is. Sometimes people need those compliments in their lowest times. Make her feel like she’s a hot commodity and any man would love to treat her right. Remind her of how far she’s come and all of the things she has. When she starts feeling herself again, then she’ll know that he’ll come back. He has to, because she’s the fucking best. I believe once she starts feeling that, then she won’t need to validate it by continuing to try and keep communication open with someone who doesn’t deserve her efforts. She’ll start seeing how nice it is to have someone chase her.
So-Called-Friends
My thoughts: Don’t we have them all? Those friends who only call you when they think you’re buying or when they need something. They don’t take the time to see how you’re doing. It’s really frustrating. These are the people that I would rather not keep at arms length, but rather a mile’s length. I don’t need someone in my life that is going to be negative. You and I have too much going on for us to be sucked back into the worlds of people who don’t want anything more than to be seen at the club next weekend. It’s hard not to love them because you’ve spent a large portion of your life with these people; but this is when I started to reevaluate everyone’s importance and roles in my life. You really have to find out what people you can be useful to and that can be useful to you. All relationships are based on two people. You can’t be in something where you’re the only one reaching out to them; especially the ones who ignore your calls when you they know they owe you. It’s hard to cut ties with them and stay like that, but it just has to be that way after a while. You can’t continue to remain current with someone just so they can go turn around and tell the next person about how “funny acting” you are.
My management steps:
1. Slowly start to pull away from them.
It’s hard to just back up from someone all together, especially if you’ve built this lifelong friendship with them. Now is the time to start turning down some of their chill dates. You know, the ones that you always end up paying for because they conveniently don’t get paid until next week. This is where you start keeping just a small phone conversation with them and start doing things that don’t involve money.
2. People are going to talk, don’t make it any of your concern.
We always have friends who feel like you’re the most “funniest acting” person they have ever met in their lives. It’s usually because you’ve refused to do something for them or you’re just tired of their bullshit. You just have to know that that’s going to happen whether we like it or not, so you shouldn’t waste too much energy on worrying about it. After a while, they’ll get tired of talking about it and just move on. If they don’t, then let them waste their time talking while you’re living your life.
3. Find out who your true friends are.
Start surrounding yourself the positive energy. You have the most successful circle of friends I’ve ever heard of. It’s really like something out of a movie if you ask me. I guess that’s because I come up from a place where everyone sucks! No, I’m kidding. I don’t think it’ll be too hard for you to find those people that are lifelong, as opposed to being surrounded by people that are “for the moment.” We only get a handful of them in life, so make sure yours are truly lifelong.
Debt
My thoughts: God, debt affects us all in one way or another. We can blame Bush! All jokes aside: It’s hard to manage your money right in these times. Luckily you have an amazing mom that is a secret accountant to help you out with this and pass her knowledge on to you. The thing is, you work hard and you have these great values instilled in you. Your money situation will work itself out. You’ve already grown into the habit of paying the balance of so that you won’t have some accruing debt. That’s the best way to do it. I think once you remind yourself of how great you are and how good your future will be, then you won’t worry so much about the debt. It’ll be like: “Get out of here. I’m going to be Diddy’s lawyer!” You know you will be. He’s going crazy because someone turned him down! Don’t let that bother you, though. I don’t want you to give yourself a headache thinking so hard about this. I know you’ll be good and this will all work itself out through your hard work. They say degrees pay themselves off. Well, I think your schooling will pay itself off, plus the luxuries in life!
My management steps:
1. Put together a realistic plan on how you want to approach the debt.
Once you have a solid way of payment and how you’re going to knock it all off, then you’ll be fine. I think when you see it on paper for yourself in a way that you can handle it, it’ll be easier to get past. You’ll see that you are capable of getting it out of the way in a reasonable time without messing up your credit.
2. Try not to buy something unless you can buy it twice.
I know that sounds silly, but it works for me. I hope it works for you. I thought of this a few years ago when I was spending all of my money on clothes. If I wanted a $200 pair of shoes, I wouldn’t buy them unless I had $400. It was easier to have that extra $200 in my pocket so that I can pay my bills or get something else with it. It was really hard at first, but then I got the hang of it and it became really useful to me. All of the extra money started adding up and I had more funds to do more things. I started by saving more money than I needed to. It’ll be hard, but it will teach you self control.
3. Figure your spending out at the beginning of each month or pay period.
Set aside money for each part of your life, you know? Things like groceries, gas, food, entertainment, clothes, etc. When I moved out on my own, I would calculate how much I think I’d make each month and split it into categories. Then with each check, I would cash it and visually split it up with the dollars. I know you don’t like cash, so maybe you could draw a chart or something to represent it. I would literally lay out each dollar amount in a pile, then wrap each pile up individually and put it with the rest of the money I made for that category. It sounds weird, but it worked for me. I hope it helps you.
*This is solely based off of things with my girlfriend.
Your Future
My thoughts: I know this is coming up so fast. Just yesterday you were in college and all you had to worry about was passing. Now this new adult life, as you properly named it, is inevitably approaching at a rapid speed. The thing is, I know you’re good. Your hard work will pay off sooner than you know it.You’ve spent the last eight years of your life working and schooling, preparing for this moment. I’m so proud of you. I know I tell you that a lot, but I can’t tell you enough. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you! You’re such an inspiration to me. I don’t mean that to be pressure, but to be fuel. You should know that you’re an inspiring person that motivates those around you to succeed. It’s so great to see a young, black, beautiful woman handling her business. You’re so far from the statistic. Ivy league education. Top tier law school graduate. You’ve accomplished before the age of thirty what most people try to get done in their lifetime. What’s so beautiful about that is that you’re not even finished yet. This is just the beginning of the rest of your lovely life. Your future is as bright as ten suns; and so is your smile. The world is at your fingertips, baby.
My management steps:
1. Take a minute to clear your mind.
Trust me, it’s pretty hard to convince yourself that it’s all going to be fine when there are a billion things going on in your head. Use this time to be clear and forget about everything that’s going on. Try focusing on your favorite party song. I know how much you love word games and things, so try playing a quick round of word racer on yahoo.com. This will take your mind off of the thing that’s bothering you.
2. Once your mind is clear, remind yourself of yourself of your education and how far you’ve come.
From my experience, nothing is better than bragging to yourself about yourself. It gives you a sense of “Yea, I’m great!” Remind yourself of your creditentials and how much you’ve overcome. Your future will be come as clear as your past. Once you’ve seen what you’ve been through with school and everything, you’ll see how easy it will be to take on the next part of your life. You’ve overcome all statistics. They said since you came up in a single parent household then you’d fail. They said you didn’t get the lessons that a father is supposed to teach you, so you’ll be unprepared. They were wrong. Remind yourself of how great you are. Come on, you’re a Yalie!
3. Write out the short term goals that you’ve set for yourself.
I think it’s good to see a visual list of the things you plan to accomplish. Don’t worry too far into tomorrow, but just enough so that you can see immediate change. It’s like working out, you know? Once people start to see those first few pounds shed, then it gets easier and easier to go along. Set those goals, accomplish them and keep it pushing. It’ll become exponentially easier. I promise.
*This is solely based off of things with my girlfriend.
Welcome
Welcome to Jay’s Declassified Girlfriend Survival Guide. I completely stole that title from a Nickelodeon show! Anyway, I’ve decided to put together a blog to help my girlfriend and other girlfriends to survive. They go through a lot that men may not always know the answers to. So, it’s imperative that we, as boyfriends, try our hardest to make sure everything is okay. I mean, if you can help then you should. It should go both ways in a relationship. Unfortunately, I don’t know the woman’s perspective to help the men! I’m usually lost on that myself. I am able to give my point of views and offer the best advice I can as a boyfriend to help my girlfriend. I am making this public so that other couples can use the advice that I give to my significant other. I hope she, as well as you find this of some use.
Now, let me speak to my love for a second: I know there’s something going on with you right now. I can feel it. I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it. I’m here for you, love. You know this, but I feel the need to tell you every time something is up. So again: I am here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can confide in me and tell me your darkest secrets. I’ve been sitting here trying to think about the things that could possibly be wrong right now. I know it’s coming up on that time, but I do not want to chalk it up to that. Guys tend to do that a lot and it’s really insensitive. Maybe it’s as simple as that, but I don’t want to miss anything. With that, I’ve compiled a list of common things that I tends to bother you and I’ve put words of encouragement and ways of handling them. This is my manual for you. You may not need it today, but one day you will. So the next time you’re down about anything, come back to this manual and find what it is that may be bothering you. From then, you should read the words of encouragement and follow my steps on dealing with it. Remember, I love you.
Welcome again,
Jay
